SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Liberals at Twitter were outraged this morning upon finding out almost 10% of their company is now owned by an African-American. Several have threatened walk-outs to protest the news.
“That man’s foreign ways aren’t welcome here,” said Twitter Programming Director Xerxie Vamoosixx, (xe/xir.) “I watched a TikTok video about a Salon article about a tweet from a journalist that said he is ‘based,’ which is another word for transphobic. I have literally not stopped shaking and throwing up on my desk since I found out.”
Several unnamed sources from within the company expressed worry that the African immigrant will influence the company to value freedom of speech—even allowing people to send tweets people like Vamoosixx don’t agree with. “Tweets I don’t agree with make me feel unsafe which means they’re literally violence and I’m gonna burn down this building,” xe said.
Vamoosixx plans to stage a protest and demand the foreigner take his foreign ways back to where he came from.
Other Twitter employees expressed excitement over the new ownership—especially for the free White Claws now available in every break room.
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