Coronavirus Tips for High-Ranking Party Members
We’ve got ourselves a nice crisis here, it would be a shame if something happened to it. In these glorious times, our foremost advice to all high-ranking Party members is to keep talking about the...
View ArticleLysol Introduces Shoulder-Mounted Turret That Automatically Blasts Anyone Who...
SLOUGH, BERKSHIRE—Lysol has unveiled a new shoulder-mounted turret that automatically blasts anyone who coughs, sneezes, or emits mouth droplets of any kind within six feet of you. The Big Lysol Turret...
View ArticleDrug Cartels Switch To Producing Hand Sanitizer
MEXICO—Drug cartels across Mexico and all around Central and South America have announced they are ceasing production of heroin, meth, and cocaine, saying they are now producing a far more lucrative...
View ArticleDems Worried Stimulus Bill Would Stimulate Economy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid political bickering over a potential economic relief package, Democrats warned Americans that the stimulus bill would stimulate the economy. “This stimulus bill might stimulate...
View ArticleVIDEO: Coronavirus Rhapsody by Queen | COVID-19 Karaoke
Grounded Show posted the below video on YouTube titled Coronavirus Rhapsody by Queen | COVID-19 Karaoke. Something to sing in your room while you’re in self isolation. Share this video so it reaches...
View ArticleGod To Ignore Quarantine And Continue Being Everywhere
HEAVEN—The CDC now recommends that everyone stay home and avoid going out as much as possible. Despite this, reports are that God is breaking quarantine and going absolutely everywhere. Hospitals,...
View ArticleAmericans Excitedly Anticipate Getting Paid With Their Own Money
U.S.—Americans have reported they’re very optimistic about the stimulus package passed by Congress last week. In particular, people all around the country are excited to get paid with a little bit of...
View ArticleGroundbreaking New Study Suggests Shutting Down Economy Could Contribute To...
U.S.—Unemployment has skyrocketed, with 10 million filing for unemployment in the past two weeks. Stocks have plummeted. Growth is expected to be negative with a recession looming. While there could be...
View ArticleBernie Sanders Struggling To Stay Six Feet Away From Americans’ Wallets
WASHINGTON, D.C.—You might think middle- and lower-class Americans are hardest hit by social distancing and lockdown orders, but you’d be wrong. Those suffering the most are American politicians, who...
View ArticleGovernment Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential...
View ArticleBiden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People’s Hair
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has committed to wearing a mask in public to be a good example and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Aides were disappointed and a little frightened, however, when Biden...
View ArticleBiden: ‘Not Only Will I Appoint A Woman Running Mate, But I Will Stand Behind...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that no matter which woman he appointed as his running mate, he would...
View ArticleOcasio-Cortez: ‘If You Don’t Infect Yourself With The Coronavirus, You Are A...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an Instagram video filmed from her posh D.C. apartment, socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called on all Americans to infect themselves with the Wuhan coronavirus to prove they are...
View ArticleMedical Experts Confirm Democrats Have Developed Herd Immunity To Sexual...
U.S.—Medical experts were excited to announce today that Democrats have achieved herd immunity against sexual assault allegations. After getting accused of sexual assault thousands and thousands of...
View ArticleCricket In CNN Newsroom Gives Detailed Report On Biden Allegations
ATLANTA, GA—CNN finally gave a detailed report on Biden’s sexual assault allegations on its evening broadcast Thursday. “Well, looks like something has happened with Biden,” said a CNN anchor. “For...
View ArticleTrump Announces He Has Hidden 5 Golden Tickets Among Stimulus Checks
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has built up a lot of buzz over the coming stimulus payments, saying he has hidden five golden tickets among the checks heading to Americans this week. Anyone who gets a golden...
View ArticleTrump Threatens More Plagues Unless State Governors Let His People Go
WASHINGTON, D.C—As more state governors lock down and enslave their people, one hero has been called to save Americans from their masters. President Donald Trump says he was commanded by a burning rose...
View ArticleAOC Drops By Unemployment Office To Tell People How Lucky They Are Not To...
NEW YORK, NY—In a rare visit to her district, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped by the unemployment office to explain to everyone why losing their jobs was actually a good thing....
View ArticleTrump Says To Drink Lots Of Water, Media Reports He Told Everyone To Drown...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water. “Water’s tremendous, very powerful stuff,” he said. “You won’t believe the...
View ArticleDemocrats Warn We Shouldn’t Reopen The Country Until We Can Be Safe From...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown...
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