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Gavin Newsom Named U-Haul Salesperson Of The Year
SACRAMENTO, CA—U-Haul has named Governor Gavin Newsom its Salesperson of the Year for the third year in a row after a record-setting sales quarter. “We are astounded by the growth we’ve seen in...
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The Babylon Bee’s Top Predictions For 2022
It’s that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide! Here is a...
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Unvaccinated Man Feeling Left Out As All His Vaccinated Friends Have COVID
CLEVELAND, OH—Local unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted COVID. “Maybe I should have just gotten vaccinated,”...
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Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As PR Rep For Chinese...
U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the...
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10 Reasons Remote Learning Is So Much Better For Children
Let us rejoice, for teachers unions have once again rallied to protect the futures of vulnerable children by demanding months of remote learning. If you are too ignorant to see how beneficial remote...
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Businesses Now Requiring Positive COVID Test As Proof Of Vaccination
U.S.–American businesses are now requiring employees to test positive for COVID before beginning their workday, since catching COVID is now the best way to prove you’ve been vaccinated. The new...
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AOC Lays Wreath At Her Grave On January 6th
BRONX, NY—United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez visited Woodlawn Cemetery this morning to grieve in quiet dignity at her own grave on the 1-year anniversary of her death on January 6....
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Nation Observes 0 Seconds Of Silence To Read The Names Of Those Killed By...
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Following President Biden’s speech yesterday, the nation observed a moment of silence lasting exactly 0 seconds long as they read the names of those who suffered death at the hands of...
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10 Upcoming Fabricated Media Narratives For 2022
Fake news is a common problem these days. We can’t begin to tell you how many times “experts” tricked us into believing Nancy Pelosi had real eyebrows over the past year. This year looks to be as...
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Biden Recounts Time He Was Arrested At A Civil Rights Protest For Wearing A...
ATLANTA, GA—In a stirring speech in Atlanta this week, Biden recounted the time he was heroically arrested at a civil rights protest simply for wearing a white hood. “There I was, outside a school...
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Report: Inflation Now Higher Than Biden’s Approval Rating
U.S.—In a historic first, the inflation rate of the U.S. Dollar has surpassed the approval rating of the President. “Wow! My inflation is way higher than Trump’s inflation! Record high! Take that,...
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To Save Time, Biden To Ship 500 Million Free Masks Directly To Landfill
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped...
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San Francisco Walgreens Introduces New Frequent Looter Rewards Punch Card
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new “Frequent Looter Rewards Card.” “If you can’t beat ’em, I guess all...
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Democrats Warn That Republicans Plan To Steal Election By Blocking Democrat...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have issued a dire warning to the American people that Republicans will steal the election in 2022 by blocking all Democrat efforts to steal the election. “Republicans want...
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10 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Wearing A Mask When Someone Tells You To
Everywhere you look, there are petty tyrants trying to steal your freedom by making you wear a mask! We say ENOUGH! If you’re as sick of it as we are, here are 10 handy methods to help you avoid...
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M&Ms Introduces New Trans Character Who Identifies As A Skittle
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a...
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Hitler Kicks Off ‘Minor Incursion’ Into Poland
FREE CITY OF DANZIG, 1939—Hitler’s recent maneuvers into Poland have many voicing their concerns that this is a serious invasion that could kick off a larger war, like a second war even worse than the...
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Biden Says Russia Can Invade Ukraine So Long As They Avoid Hunter’s Gas Company
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don’t blow up the oil company paying for Hunter’s...
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Ukraine Invites Kyle Rittenhouse To Guard Their Border
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard...
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Biden Considers Starting World War III To Distract From Domestic Failures
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with plummeting poll numbers and the realization that a rambling, semi-coherent, two-hour press conference failed to turn things around, President Biden is apparently...
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