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Think You Have Monkeypox? Watch For These Ten Strange Symptoms
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn’t a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might...
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‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable. “Listen,...
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What Gender Are You? Take The Quiz!
It can be hard to know what gender you are. So many choices! But The Babylon Bee has come up with an easy way to determine which one you are with this handy quiz: Not happy with your results?...
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CNN Rebrands To JAN6NN
ATLANTA, GA—Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what...
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Awe-Inspiring Facts You May Not Know About Trump
Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he’s everyone’s favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don’t...
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School District Announces Summer Enrichment Program For Kids Who Need Extra...
ASHBURN, VA—The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break. “We try our best to groom all our...
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Biden Administration To Provide Grief Counselors At All Gas Pumps
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across...
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Study Shows Kids Who Are Homeschooled Could Miss Out On Opportunity To Be A...
U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists. “The two essential roles of public...
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Death Toll From Jan. 6 Skyrockets As Hearing Viewers Die Of Boredom
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom. “Once again we are seeing the tragic human cost of the...
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Science Tests Positive For COVID
WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID. “How could this happen? What if SCIENCE...
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Scholars Now Think ‘6.66’ In Revelation Refers To Price Of Gas In The End Times
GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days. “Deeper study has revealed...
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Tampon Supply Shortage Solved By Emptying Out Tampons In The Men’s Bathrooms
U.S.—Americans are facing yet another basic necessity shortage under the Biden Administration. This time a tampon shortage has struck the nation and caused many women to wonder what they will do when...
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12 Red Flags That Will Prevent You From Buying A Firearm
In light of recent shootings, Congress is considering red flag laws they’ve secretly been wanting to pass for decades. This means that even though you have a right to bear arms guaranteed by the US...
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10 Times Socialism Actually Worked
Bernie Sanders famously said that “real” socialism has never been tried. Frankly, we’re shocked he would ever suggest such a thing because there are numerous examples of real socialist utopias that we...
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Biden Seen Shouting At Gas Station Sign To Lower Its Prices
WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden was seen outside a gas station this afternoon yelling at the big price sign to lower its prices. “Come on, man! I ain’t kidding around here! No joke! You...
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Dems Pause January 6 Hearings To Call For Insurrection
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government. “On January 6th, a branch of our federal...
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Weird: Democrats Suddenly Saying ‘Woman’ Today As If Everyone Knows What It...
U.S. – Following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Democrats nationwide have been accusing the Supreme Court of taking rights from “women.” Onlookers have confirmed this to be confusing, as it seems to...
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21 Greatest Benefits Of Becoming A Dad
Fathers are the forgotten heroes of this world. Mothers get all the glory (and with good reason!) but there are still some great benefits to being a dad. For example, free hugs whenever you want!...
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Uh-Oh: World Economic Forum Banner Slips, Revealing HYDRA Logo
GENEVA — The World Economic Forum experienced a major blunder during a recent symposium when the institution’s banner slipped, revealing the tentacled HYDRA logo. The blooper occurred during a...
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Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The famed Impractical Jokers comedy quartet managed to get access to President Biden’s cheat sheet today, quickly plunging the nation into chaos. The Jokers fell on the floor...
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